When people join each other in relationship, choice is a fact of life, even when people pretend they have no choice.

When people have made the primary choice to build their life together as a couple, they will make several secondary choices to support that primary choice. They may choose monogamy, even though they are not naturally monogamous. They may do many other things that they would not do in and of themselves, but are glad to do in support of the relationship. These actions are true choices-- they can do them or not.

The reason why one would choose to take these actions is in support of a higher order goal over a less important goal. And, through making these primary and secondary choices, the relationship exists within the context of freedom.

For many, relationships are a form of entrenched imprisonment. They may speak in terms of commitment, but how would you feel if your mate turned to you and said, "Honey, the reason I'm with you is that I made a commitment." That's a different universe from "Honey, I'm with you because I choose to be with you."

The first reason is steeped in a promise from the past that now is coagulated into an obligation. The second statement reflects a current desire, one that is fresh, alive, and genuine.

In our lives, there are those who want us to be under their control, or under the control of a world-view. They can't imagine us as free. They want us to be obligated. They don't know this simple and obvious truth: manipulation destroys relationships. As we said before, the love doesn't stop, but it will go underground, and while people may love each other, they don't like the relationship. You can't build your life on a compromise, and you can't build a life together based on a compromise either.

In our work in the field of relationships, we have come to understand that the underlying structures in play determine the patterns of behavior. Some of the structural elements that are critical concern the various concepts people have. For some people, they compare the person they are with to a romantic image they have brought into the relationship. Of course, the real person will never stack up to the movie star. Even the movie star, in real life, doesn't stack up.

For others, they have a list of needs that the other person is supposed to fulfill, and, of course, they are always disappointed that the person never makes the grade. Still others are driven to control based on fear of imagined danger.

Others have concepts about agreements, and their relationship seems more like two adversarial lawyers playing "Gotcha."

A change of underlying structure leads to the most profound sense of freedom one can have. This helps to create a platform for each person to be true to him or herself within the relationship. Based on true choice, each person is able to shine, rather than compromise and hide one's light. Love is set free, the heart sings, and people bring out the very best in each other.

This is made possible by choice, not obligation. If the primary choice is to build your life together, other secondary choices might be to avoid forming cyber-relationships or finding other outlets for emotional expression. Another profound choice is the one to support your mate's freedom to be exactly how he or she is.

Rather than designing a relationship that sounds more like a lawyer's contract, create one that is based on hierarchy of choice, with the primary choice being building your lives together. Then, taking actions that support the health and well-being of the relationship is naturally motivated by this senior choice. You are monogamous, not as a self-manipulation, but because having affairs diminishes the ability to deepen intimacy with your mate. You support your mate's freedom to be the person he or she is by, among other things, not attempting to change him/her.

Here's another question: Wouldn't you want to be with somebody who, when you are yourself - warts and all - really wants to be with you?

You realize that it's not your mate's job to play a role, fulfill your "needs," or live up to an ideal. Nor do you have that job for them. You are two people who have freely chosen to build your life together. When this is the case, love blossoms, the beauty of each person's spirit is fully expressed, and the sum of the parts is vastly greater than just the two of you.

© 2004 Robert Fritz

To find out more about how Robert Fritz, Inc. can support you in creating what matters. Go to: http://www.robertfritz.com

Robert Fritz, Inc.
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Williamsville, Vermont 05362

Phone: 800-848-9700 or 802-365-7286
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Email: info[at]robertfritz.com